You Ruined My Life
by tinylexie
Summary: Richard's thoughts during "Fury."


I enjoyed my life as a woods guide.

I occasionally had to fight off some bandits,

But I was not a violent man.

Anyone you asked in Hartland

Would say that I always tried

To maintain peace.

I didn't like fighting,

And I always kept my temper in check.

That all changed suddenly, way too suddenly.

You had to name me the Seeker, Zedd,

Because prophecy said that I was the one

To defeat Darken Rahl.

I needed the Sword of Truth

To help me accomplish that task,

So you gave me that sword, Zedd.

Not long after you named me the Seeker, Zedd,

I started killing.

I have never killed anyone before,

But now I had to kill or be killed myself.

I became the bringer of deathBecause that was what was necessary

To defeat Darken Rahl and all his evil.

Overnight I stepped into the role of Seeker.

Overnight I went from a peaceful, fun-loving woods guide

To a man who had to fight and to kill

In order to defeat evil.

If I had not done all that I did,

The world would right now

Be under the tyranny of Darken Rahl.

I did what I had to do.

I brought temporary violence

In order to later bring permanent peace.

The compass that was supposed

To lead to the Stone of Tears

Led us to the Minders.

They believed in peace.

They believed in not killing others,

As I once did.

Before I learned about Darken Rahl,

Before you named me the Seeker

And gave me the Sword of Truth, Zedd,

I never thought

That I would be capable of taking another life.

The Minders thought the same way,

Until they met me and my sword.

I knew that the Minders

Needed to know how to fight

In order to defend themselves

From those that would enslave, torture, and kill them.

Sometimes fighting is necessary

In order to maintain peace at the end of the day.

I had no intention of going overboard

Until I was struck with a staff

Being held by a man

Who only wanted to know

How to defend himself and his people against evil.

I could understand his rage, his anger.

Everyone has the right to live their lives in peace,

And his peace was being threatened.

Yet, when his staff struck my face,

I suddenly felt anger raging through my blood.

The fury and the bloodlust quickly overcame me.

I couldn't resist; I had to unleash all my anger;

I could not keep it stored up inside me no longer.

I didn't understand why I was so angry.

While I was under the fury and the bloodlust

Of the Sword of Truth,

Which derives its power from rage,

I didn't care why I was angry.

All that mattered to me

Was unleashing all that fury

On those that deserved to die.

A Seeker exists to give justice,

And that was what I was doing.

I was giving evil what it deserved,

Or at least I thought I was.

I became a monster under the sword's fury.

I was no longer able to think rationally.

I threatened Kahlan.

How could I threaten the woman

That I love more than life itself?

I always thought that there

Was no greater power than love.

Is it possible that anger

Is stronger than love?

I used the Sword of Truth

To strike Cara.

I could have killed her.

How could I have done such a thing

To a woman who I cared about,

To a woman who I considered a friend?

I enjoyed doing harm to others.

I enjoyed killing.

The sight of blood

Only made me want to see even more blood.

How could I have enjoyed killing so much?

I don't like killing.

I only kill when necessary,

But while I was under the fury of the Sword of Truth,

I went beyond what was necessary.

You explained everything to me, Zedd.

You have always been good at explaining things to me.

I often try to forget the fact that I am a Rahl.

The name "Rahl" represents evil,

And I want nothing to do with evil.

Yet, you reminded me, Zedd,

That I could not forget my bloodline,

Even though I despised the Rahl part of it.

You taught me, Zedd,

That being a Rahl by itself

Does not have to be a dangerous thing.

Only when my Rahl blood

Was combined with the Sword of Truth

And the Minders,

Who were bounded to a Rahl ancestor

Many years ago,

Only when all three were combined

Was the mixture dangerous.

I felt better.

I was afraid that I was evil,

But now I knew that I wasn't.

However, the Seeker needs his Sword of Truth,

And if the Seeker wants to deliver justice and peace

Instead of vengeance and chaos,

He needs to be able to control the fury of the sword.

You asked me why I was so angry, Zedd.

I quickly discovered

That I didn't know the answer.

All the while, the Sword of Truth

Glowed with the rage and the anger

That was flowing through me.

I was frustrated with your questions, Zedd.

A part of me didn't care why I was so angry.

A part of me just wanted to be angry.

However, another part of me wanted to be in control.

Another part of me wanted to control the fury.

I never asked the be the Seeker.

I was happy with my life as a woods guide.

It was a simple life,

But that didn't bother me.

I never inspired to be anyone great.

I was content with being normal.

You changed everything, Zedd.

You never told me who I really was.

You kept my destiny a secret from me.

Way too quickly I had to learn the ways of a Seeker.

We could have spent my whole life, Zedd,

Preparing me for the great task that laid ahead of me.

Instead, you never said a word to me.

You kept the truth from me, Zedd.

You didn't even tell me that you were my grandfather.

How could you have kept something like that

A secret from me all these years?

How could you have kept all the secrets like you did, Zedd?

I could have been better prepared

If you had trained me for my entire life.

You ruined my life, Zedd.

You had to know deep down in your heart

That there was always a chance that one day

Prophecy would catch up with me.

Prophecy did exactly that and more.

Prophecy changed my life forever.

You could have warned me, Zedd.

You could have made everything easier for me

If you had not insisted on keeping everything a secret.

I had to kill others, Zedd, because you named me the Seeker

And because you gave me the Sword of Truth.

All the death I have caused is your fault, Zedd.

You did not have to name me,

But you did anyways.

You wanted me to live a simple life,

But when prophecy reared its face,

You didn't resist it.

You gave in to prophecy, Zedd,

And you forced me to give in to it as well.

You ruined my life, Zedd.

I wanted to strike you down so badly, Zedd.

I wanted to kill you,

And I wanted to accomplish that task

With the Sword of Truth,

That cursed sword that you gave to me.

If I had killed you, Zedd,

You would have had no one to blame but yourself.

I didn't ask for any of this.

I didn't ask to be the Seeker,

The great hero who snuffed out evil.

I was happy as a woods guide.

And I would have been happy

If I had remained a woods guide

For the rest of my life.

I didn't get that wish, though,

And it's all because of you, Zedd,

All because you did not prepare me properly,

All because you decided to forever change my life

By naming me the Seeker.

You ruined my life, Zedd.

Death was the only proper reward for you.

Yet there was a part of me

That couldn't bring myself to kill you, Zedd.

The fury was strong, but not that strong.

Zedd, you are my grandfather, my mentor, my friend.

Perhaps you should have told me the truth

About who I really was before Kahlan came along;

But you wanted me to live a life of peace, Zedd,

And I am thankful for that.

If you had brought me up to be a killer,

I would not be the same man that I am now.

By allowing me to live a simple, normal life, Zedd,

You also allowed me to understand compassion;

You also allowed me to connect to others in a positive way.

As a woodsman, I helped many people.

If I had not helped so many people growing up,

There is no way

That I would be able to understand compassion.

I would not have been the true Seeker.

A true Seeker does indeed kill.

It is sometimes necessary.

However, a true Seeker seeks justice and peace.

By allowing me to grow up as a woodsman, Zedd,

I was able to understand justice and peace.

If I had grown up around war and chaos,

I might have given in to vengeance;

I might not have been able to control

The fury of the Sword of Truth.

You did not ruin my life after all, Zedd.

By observing me for all those years

And by allowing me to grow up in peace,

You indirectly trained me for the role of Seeker.

Because of the lifestyle you allowed me to live, Zedd,

I developed the hunger to seek peace;

I did not develop the hunger to seek vengeance and blood.

You helped to make me the man that I am today, Zedd,

And I couldn't be more grateful.

I may have the Rahl and all its rage running through my blood,

But my blood is balanced

By the Zorander and all its wisdom running through it as well.


End file.
